So, I was reading my feed this morning, and I found the most effing awesome series on The Toast, courtesy of Ceridwen (shout out to Ceridwen). The most recent installment was How To Tell If You Are In an Honore de Balzac Novel, and it got me thinking.
I haven't read any Balzac, but I've read like seven of those Highland Guard Novels in about week. So, without further ado, here it is:
Moonlight Reader's How To Tell If You're In A Highland Guard Novel.
You are surrounded by men in kilts, all of whom have a nickname that is one word, and refers to their prowess as a warrior.
You are not the Hero's type, but he is inexplicably attracted to you. Also, you are not conventionally beautiful, you are the most beautiful woman in the room, or you are plain as a pikestaff.
No matter which of these three is true, he will still want to swive you. Constantly.
He will be good with his sword. That is not necessarily a double entendre. Wait, yes it is.
You will mentally notice that he has very big muscles. You will mentally notice that this is hot. You will respond to all of these muscles and this noticing by ignoring him and pretending that he's not hot. And you are not attracted.
There will be a moment when you both realize that your genitals are on fire for each other.
That moment will probably occur while you are in peril. You are being chased by the English. You have been captured by the English and are moments away from death. You are being tracked by the English, and they have dogs.
In spite of that peril, your eyes and your lips will lock. Your vagina will combust. The only thing that will be able to slake the flames is penetrative sex involving the Hero.
His penis will be enormous. You will compare it to an iron spike in your mind. This will terrify you.
This is also why there will be no Hero named Spike. Because that name is taken. By penises.
You are a virgin. Nonetheless, when the Hero takes your virginity in a location that is not a bed, is probably a stone floor or a storeroom, or possibly a forest where it is snowing, and is absolutely not comfortable for sex, you will have an orgasm. Nay, you will have several.
This is a fantasy, people. Bring me some abs.
Oops, wrong series. Nevermind.
There will be some insurmountable obstacle that makes your marriage to the Hero impossible. Nonetheless, it will be surmounted.
You will be exceptionally fertile, and will give birth precisely two books in the future. Your husband will be exceptionally faithful, in spite of the hotness and the muscles. He will be mocked by the unmarried members of the Highland Guard for this faithfulness.
The one who mocks him the most is the one who will fall in love next.
You will live happily ever after in a drafty castle in medieval Scotland.